These Words I Can Not Speak
by SD17
Summary: Brothers writing letters...the words they can not speak. Set in 'TMNT'. Raph didn't know what to do anymore. All these emotions floating around. All the pent up hurt and anger that always plagued him. He was trying so hard to be better after that night...
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **Here we go, my new story. This is set in the TMNT the 2007 Movie (No surprise there...if you haven't guessed it's my favourite turtle movie). This story will focus on how Leo's absence affected Raph, and on their fight on the roof top, their feelings, and other bits and pieces etc. I know my last story (Feelings) focused on how it affected Don. But this story is not the same! I'm not trying to be boring covering the same old stuff all the time. But this issue is just so good to write about. You get lots of brotherly stuff that way. And it not the same as 'Feelings' so don't worry. It will be set in a completely different format. Letters to be exact It doesn't really follow on from the Don and Leo story either. I'm most likely going off on a completely different tangent to what I wrote before. This idea just came to me while I was writing 'Feelings' and now that it's finished I can write this one. YAY. Okay enough from me...

Oh; No I don't own them...unless my action figures count.

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><p><strong>These Words I Can Not Speak...<strong>

It was late when Raphael snuck back into the lair that night. He did his best to keep quiet, even though he was quiet intoxicated. He'd been out with Casey 'busted heads' and then they'd had a few celebratory drinks back at Casey's and April's place. Well a few more than a few. April was out of town. Raph stumbled a little as he walked down the hall on his way to his bedroom. He really didn't think he'd had this much to drink but apparently he was wrong. Just walkng in a straight line was difficult, Raph was lucky that he hadn't come across any trouble on his walk home. Raph knew Splinter did not approve of his son getting drunk (ever) and stumbling home at all hours of the morning. And if Raph was caught he'd be in for it. Raph also had to be on the alert for Leo...

Leo, the brother Raph was nearly almost certain had been laying dead somewhere in the jungle, was now back home. He had been for about 2 weeks now and Raph was half expecting to come home to an angry waiting Leo. Like back in the old days. But the lair was silent. Even Donny had gone to bed. Raph paused at Leo's doorway, peering in the open crack of the door. Leo was sound asleep. Breathing softly. A warmth settled over Raph's heart. He was so glad his brother was safe. His mind flitted back to that night. On the roof. If he had slammed his sai down just a few inches to the left... Raph gave himself an internal shake. He was so mad then. It had nearly cost him his brother. Raph continued on to his room. They'd never spoken about that night, the two of them. Not really, not after the 'Winters Incident'.

_You're gonna to need these, if you're gonna to lead us out of here._

_I'm going to need you, too_

That's all they had said. Now Raph in his drunken state was letting the guilt of that night overwhelm him. To Raph's suprise he made it to his room without being discovered, where he sunk down into his desk chair. He replayed the fight over and over in his mind. The look on Leo's face as the sai landed inches from his face. That look in his brothers eyes that Raph could never quiet place. The way his brother screamed as the Stone Generals attacked. The fear he had felt as they took Leo away. He'd thought he'd lost Leo, again. Then Raph began to remember the fear of not knowing if his brother was okay when he was off on his training. The pain of Leo not even bothering to write and let them know he was okay. The anger of him waltzing back in after being MIA for so long and trying to boss him around again. _No_! Raph thought to himself. _Don't go there_. _That's how it started that night..._

Raph didn't know what to do anymore. All these emotions floating around. All the pent up hurt and anger that always plagued him. He was trying so hard to be better after that night. And he wanted to be better too. He and Leo seemed in a better place even without talking about what happened...which was good. Raph wanted to get along with Leo, but still Raph didn't feel 'right' and there was no other way to describe it. These days he wasn't sure what to do with himself. He and Leo hadn't really had a fight since then. Mainly because anytime Raph felt like losing it with Leo his mind went back to that dark rainy night. So now Raph's built up emotions had nowhere to go. Training wasn't cutting it. Neither was bustin heads or annoying Mikey. Fighting with Leo and storming off always acted as kind of a release for Raph. The way he felt was confusing to Raph though, because while Leo was away he didn't feel this way and he couldn't argue with Leo then... he didn't feel _this_ weird anyway. But then he'd had the nightwatcher. And he'd been pretty jerky to Don. And he wasn't feeling so damn guilty then. He was mad at Leo...now he was mad at himself.

Raph decided in his alcohol effected state that he had unresolved issues with Leo to work out, and that's why he felt this way. But he couldn't talk to Leo about it. He couldn't risk it turing into a fight. And talking without yelling and throwing punches was never his strong point.

Raph grabbed a blank sheet of paper from his desk and a pen and began to write...

_Leo,_

_Leo...wel 'm not exactly sober right now an I can't sleep. I jus can't stop thinking. I can't say this face to face. Because, well I just can't. I'll probly reget this tomorrow... sounding all emo here but Im sorry bout that night. I let my anger take ove. You gotta know Id never relly hurt you. It makes me sick to think I nearly did. I just felt so angry. I felt like youd abandoned us (would it hav killed you ta write? Let us know you were ok, that you still cared). then you come back ready to give orders. Expectin us to fall in line again... Not that I ever have done that easy, but I just. I don't even no. I just wanted you to know some of what drove me to act thatway. And that I'm sorry. And that I'm glad ya back leo._

_Raph._

Raph re-read through his messy scrawl, made worse from alcohol consumption. He decided that it made sense through his fuzzy tired eyes. Folding it over once, Raph stumbled from his room and crouched down quietly at Leo's doorway. Raph slipped the letter under Leo's door and stumbled back to his room before he could be discovered. Raph then fell asleep within seonds, before he could give another thought to what he had just done.

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><p><strong>AN: <strong>Just so you know Raph's letter had bad grammar and spelling because he was drunk...

Next chapter will be Leo finding the letter and the repercussions of that. (Maybe writng his own letter back *hint, hint*)

I have the next couple of chapters planned out in my head so hopefully it won't be long until the next is up. It just comes down to finding time to write.

Anyway please let me know what you think! Reviews are better then pizza!


	2. Chapter 2

**These Words I Can Not Speak...**

Leo lay in his bed waiting to hear his brother return from his trip topside. Raph was out late, again. Leo wanted to wait downstairs like he use to…but he just didn't feel he should. He thought it would start a fight between himself and Raph. Usually Leo would have done it anyway. Leo reasoned getting into fights with Raph was worth it, to keep his rebellious brother safe and aware of his actions. But since his time away, since that night on the roof…well Leo just didn't feel like he should push Raph too much at the moment. Their relationship had settled into calm truce of sorts, which was nice. Leo didn't want things to escalate to that point between them ever again. And in all honesty Leo thought Raph had a point…he had been gone a long time. What right did he have to be on Raph's case about every little thing? Raph had managed to survive in his absence. Even with the choices he made. But that didn't mean Leo would ever stop worrying about his brother while he was out there though, he would never stop worrying about any of his family, ever.

Finally Leo heard stumbling footstep that could only belong to his red wearing brother as he made his way down the hall. Leo breathed a sigh of relief at knowing that Raph had made it home safe. Leo thought Raph's footsteps sounded like he was quiet drunk, but he pushed down the urge to rush out and scold his brother. Instead he concentrated on keeping his breathing even and his body still, eyes closed. Leo heard Raph pause at his partially open doorway and watch him for several minutes before he continued his stumble to his own room. Leo wasn't sure what Raph had been doing at his doorway…_probably surprised I wasn't waiting up for him_. Now that he knew Raph was safely in his room Leo concentrated on going to sleep for real, he had to get up for training in a few hours.

A bit later a faint noise by his doorway pulled Leo from the edges of sleep. Shooting up in bed, Leo waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Leo rose from his bed and moved carefully to his doorway. His foot touched something smooth and cool at the edge of the door way. Leo turned his light on and saw a folded piece of paper pushed underneath the partly opened door. Leo opened his door and checked outside. Non-one was there. The lair was silent and still. Shutting his door Leo opened the paper as he made his way back to the bed. It was a letter.

_Leo,_

_Leo...wel 'm not exactly sober right now an I can't sleep. I jus can't stop thinking. I can't say this face to face. Because, well I just can't. I'll probly reget this tomorrow... sounding all emo here but Im sorry bout that night. I let my anger take ove. You gotta know Id never relly hurt you. It makes me sick to think I nearly did. I just felt so angry. I felt like youd abandoned us (would it hav killed you ta write? Let us know you were ok, that you still cared). then you come back ready to give orders. Expectin us to fall in line again... Not that I ever have done that easy, but I just. I don't even no. I just wanted you to know some of what drove me to act thatway. And that I'm sorry. And that I'm glad ya back leo._

_Raph._

Leo read through the miss spelt scrawl twice. He shook his head to clear it. Was he dreaming, this was such a un-Raph like thing to do. Even if he was under the influence of alcohol. Raph was actually telling someone how he truly felt outright, not by yelling or throwing punches, not letting it boil inside him until he eventually exploded all over the place. Leo didn't know what to do…should he go to Raph now? Should he talk to him tomorrow? He knew in the light of day. Sober and bright, Raph would shut down. Leo bet Raph was right he would be regretting this letter to no end once he got up in the morning. So Leo decided to just leave it for now. Getting up Leo switched his light back off and then returned to his bed. It took a while but eventually Leo fell asleep, clutching Raph's letter in his hand.

They all got up for practice the next morning. Raph felt embarrassed (and just a little hungover) about the drunken confession of feelings he had slipped under Leo's door last night. He kept waiting for Leo to bring it up. Or at least lay into him about being drunk. He'd admitted it in writing after all. But Leo acted as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened last night. Raph knew he'd been drunk but he remembered everything that had happened and everything that he had written last night. And it kind of hurt that Leo had just ignored it. Although Raph wasn't sure he wanted to have a big heart to heart about it either…no he was positive he didn't want that. But still, no reaction at all felt like a slap in the face.

The day went on like normal. Raph didn't bring the letter up either and after dinner he went topside again. He came back relatively early this time and was in bed by 12. Raph was just starting to drift off when he heard something slide under his door. Raph flicked the lamp beside him on and swung his legs off the side of his hammock. Raph stood planting his feet gently on the floor and moved slowly to retrieve the folded paper. He was sure he knew who it was from. Raph suddenly felt nervous. Cautiously he picked it up.

_Raph_

_I'm sorry too._

_I know you'd never want to hurt me purposely…we both just let our emotions take over. It's just as much my fault as yours so don't blame yourself. Please. _

_I need you to know this, I NEVER stopped caring about you guys while I was away. I never ever could. I hate that I made you think that, even for a second. _

_I've got no excuses. I should have written. I didn't know what to tell you guys. Being out there alone kind of warps your mind. I just began to feel like that ghost the villagers believed me to be. It was like I didn't even exist anymore. I never stopped caring about you all and missing you guys. I guess I just forgot that maybe you guys cared about and missed me too. I thought you were all better off without me. I mean I went so far way, to train to be a better leader and I felt I had failed. I think maybe I did. Maybe I always have. _

_You're right you know…I can't just come back and expect things to be how they were. I guess I did abandon you guys, but I didn't mean to… __I wasn't there for any of you. I guess I've got to earn the right to be listened to again. _

_I'm glad I'm back to Raph. The second I walked through the door I regretted being away so long._

_But I'm here to stay now. _

_Leo._

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	3. Chapter 3

**These Words I Can Not Speak...**

_Hey Leo,_

_Um, well this is harder to do with no liquid courage in my system but I wanted to answer your letter. I wasn't sure if I should…cos it's hard for me to talk like this. Even on paper. But I need you to hear this (or read it, that is)._

_First of all, YOU DIDN'T FAIL._

_Not at training over there in the Jungle. Not at being our leader. It's half the reason I get so damn angry at ya. You're perfect at pretty much everything. And you are good at being the leader. Great in fact. Now don't let that go to your head. But it's true. I know I never say it. But you are. You always have been._

_Second of all…damn. Of course we missed you! What, how the hell, why on earth would you think we didn't. You are our brother. And I know you got it in your head 'cos your the leader that you have to take care of us and you don't matter but it aint true. You matter. How could we be better off without you? We're four parts of a whole. When one part is missing it tears the rest of us apart. _

_Oh God I sound like a girl. And I'm not even finished yet._

_I know you didn't abandon us…not on purpose. It just started to feel like that ya know. But if you can forgive me for all that I have done in the past, I can forgive you too._

_As for you giving orders and whether or not we should listen…argh. You are still the leader Leo. I'm sure I'll wish I never said this, but that hasn't changed. Not that I want to listen (most of the time) and sometimes I wish you'd get that I don't need ya policing my every move. But you're in charge for a reason. And I think I finally get why…told Splinter that too._

_Anyway that's it for now I guess._

_I kinda like talkin' to ya this way. Much easier than face to face. I still feel weird though. But I can deal with it._

_Raph_

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><p>Please review and let me know what you think?<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: **Thanks to all my readers! And an extra special thanks to those who have taken the time to review!

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><p><strong>These Words I Can Not Speak...<strong>

_Hey Raph,_

_I'm not sure where to start here…_

_I'm not perfect. Far from it. I wish you wouldn't call me that, because I'm not. It makes me feel as though you all hold me to this unattainable standard that I can never reach. And I want to reach it for you all. _

_It's why I train the way I do._

_I want to be perfect at everything. Because then no matter what enemy we come up against, no matter what life throws at us next I want to know that I can take care of you guys. Protect you and keep you safe._

_I want to be perfect because that's what you all want me to be._

_I want to be, but I'm not…_

_I'm glad you think I haven't failed as the leader (it's nice to hear), because honestly it's been on my mind a lot. Hope you remember what you said about listening to me next time you go charging off into battle. Heh. Seriously though, thank you._

_It's true, sometimes I think I don't matter…that my only purpose in life is to make sure our family is safe. I know it's a stupid thing to think. But when I'm alone, that's where my head goes. And I was alone out there in the jungle for so long…_

_I know I give you a hard time, pretty much all the time. I'm going to try and do better with that (notice I didn't wait up the other night?) I just worry about you. And really can you blame me. The amount of times you've come home hurt. The amount of times you go barrelling ahead in battle without listening. The amount of times you've been seriously hurt…Sorry I'm not going to lecture you about it all. You've heard it a million times. I'm sure you're rolling your eyes and grumbling at me as you read. It's just Raph, you scare the hell out of me when you do things like that. _

_The first few weeks I was gone, I kept having nightmares about you running head first into danger. About you going out with Casey and never coming home. Because I wasn't there. I nearly got straight back on the plane and came home. I wrote to Master Splinter (yes when I was keeping in contact). He said I needed to trust that you were capable of making decisions on you own. It was so hard. And he was right. Even with your Nightwatcher thing. You managed to survive. I wondered if part of the reason he sent me away for training was to let the three of you function and make choices without me hovering over you all the time…_

_He told me you weren't going to be out patrolling or fighting while I was away. So I stayed. But it was hard. So hard._

_I struggle with it Raph, trying to get that balance between being a good leader, a good brother and keeping you guys safe. While not dominating your every move. And Master Splinter knows that. I'm terrified that something will happen to one of you and there will be something I could have done to stop it. How could I live if that happened._

_But I promise I'll try to ease up on you guys, but please, please be careful Raph. You're right. We are four parts of a whole. And I need you guys to be ok. My life depends on it._

_Sorry, I feel like I was all over the place thought wise here. But I like talking to you this way too. We can actually talk without blowing up at each other. It's nice._

_Leo_

_P.S And you don't sound like a girl._

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><p><em>Let me know what you think please. Reviews are just awesome!<em>


	5. Chapter 5

**These Words I Can Not Speak...**

_Leo,_

_DON'T YOU DARE SAY OR EVEN THINK YOU DON"T MATTER! Not even for a second. I swear I'll come in there and kick your ass._

_I've read through your last letter a couple of times and I've gotta say. You sound really down, like almost, depressed…I wasn't sure whether to mention it. But I've got to admit your making me feel kinda worried about you._

_I won't call you perfect anymore. But you gotta realize how good you are at things. And you gotta realize that to me, you are perfect ok. You're my big brother._

_And now I sound like a girl again. Don't say it. I do._

_I did notice that you weren't waiting up the other night. I was very surprised actually. And even more surprised that you didn't mention my drinking or tell Splinter on me…thanks for that. I know I make stupid choices sometimes. I know walking home alone and drunk is pretty high on the stupid list but sometimes I need to make my own mistakes. I know it must be hard for you though. If Don or Mikey or even you were doing stupid stuff all the time it would freak me out too. Sorry I cause you so much stress. I'll try to do better. And I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time over the years. You have a much harder job then the rest of us being the leader. Trying to keep the balance seems like it would be hard. But I'll say it again. You're a good leader. You're a great brother. You're also a pain in the ass. But I wouldn't have you any other way._

_And I'm sorry you were having nightmares over there…have they stopped? I ah, some nights I think I can hear ya having them through the wall. Didn't know if I should come and wake ya. Wanted to, but touchy feely situations are not my strong point, as you know._

_Were ya alone the whole time you were over there? You know you haven't really told any of us anything much about your time there. Not really._

_Leo, one last thing. You need to listen to this. You can't prevent or save us from every bad thing and you can't stop us from making mistakes sometimes (you'll go insane trying to). We're responsible for our own actions. You don't have to take everything on your shoulders Leo. You're the leader…but we're a team, everything is not all on you. We're here to share the weight. I can't stand the thought of anything happening to any of you either. Of anything happening to anyone at all. Why do you think I became the Nightwatcher? Sure part of it was the thrill of the fight, but really I just can't stand the thought of innocent people being hurt…of something happening that I could have prevented._

_I promise I'll be more careful ok. I'll try to be a better brother._

_Raph_

_P.S I do sound like a girl. But that's ok. I want you to know this stuff._

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><p>Reviews = Love!<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

**These Words I Can Not Speak...**

_Hey Raph,_

_Okay, okay. I believe you. It's good to see it written like that. It's like it makes it more real that way._

_I guess I have been feeling kind of down. But you don't need to worry. Really I'm fine._

_Hearing (or rather reading) your thoughts on me during these letters has been quiet unreal for me…I never knew that you really thought of me that way. You know the 'P' word. I mean I know you called me that a lot and it made me feel like I had to be. Same as you use 'fearless'. But I always took it more as an insult then a compliment._

_I know I can't prevent every bad thing happening. But I can try. And I'll never stop doing that, I just can't. I know you guys are responsible for your own actions… but I'm responsible for them pretty much all of the time too... Whenever something goes wrong…it's at least partly my fault. And you know Master Splinter holds me to that standard as well. Every time you mess up I get in trouble too. _

_Nightmares…well no. They haven't stopped. Sorry if I have been keeping you awake. It's up to you if you want to wake me up. I know it's not your thing. I'm okay, so don't feel like you have to come help me or anything. They just won't go away. And I'm not sure what to do about them._

_Yeah I haven't told you guys much about being over there. I just felt like I shouldn't bring it up. Not after being gone so long. I just feel guilty when I think of it. You guys haven't really filled me in on everything that happened here while I was gone either. I'd like to hear what I missed._

_You being more careful would be awesome. And I'll try not to take everything on my shoulders all the time…key word here 'try'._

_You wrote you'll try to be a better brother, but know this Raph; you have always been a good brother. A hot headed, rush head first into danger, pain in the shell. But a good brother. A good person, a protector, you care so much Raph. (I know you don't want to hear it because you think it'll ruin your tough guy visage, but it's the truth) You try to act like you don't, but it comes out in what you do. Like you said, that's why you became the Nightwatcher. You couldn't sit by and watch people get hurt. And most of the time you drive me up the wall (or make me want to throw you through it). But I have never thought for a second that you were anything less than a good brother. A great brother._

_Leo._

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	7. Chapter 7

**These Words I Can Not Speak...**

_Hey bro,_

_Why do ya feel down? Doesn't sound like you're ok if ya feel down. _

_As for the 'P' word, yeah well I guess the way I phrase things it's easy to take most of what I say as an insult. And yeah sometimes it is. You know I get so damn frustrated. Always second best. Gets annoying real fast._

_As for Splinter holding you accountable for our (my) mistakes, that's in battle and trainin' and stuff Leo. Not everything we do. For example, me going off with Casey aint your fault. That's what I'm talking about. _

_Sorry I'm the reason you get in trouble with Splinter after fights and trainin' and stuff. Like when you first got back and we went topside to start training again. And we heard that monster thing. And you said no but I still went chargin off to check it out. And of course Don and Mike followed me. So you followed too ('cause if you didn't and something bad happened. Right? Yeah I know how your mind works). Then Splinter was pissed. But you're the one who took the brunt off it. I don't know why I do it half the time, I mean ignore your orders. I guess sometimes to piss you off. Sometimes because I think I know better. Sometimes I worry if we wait someone could die. Sometimes to prove I can think for myself. Sometimes because I get so frustrated at being told what to do. Sometimes…yeah I don't even know. And I know you're gonna get it worse from Splinter and I still do it. (How can you say I'm a good brother, I'm a freaking jerk) Then more than half the time I just sit there, or leave and let Splinter go. Instead of admitting it was my fault we got in the mess in the first place. 'Cause I refuse to listen. God I'm an ass._

You didn't have a nightmare last night…well I didn't hear ya anyway. You're not keepin' me awake or anything. Maybe if you talk about your nightmares it might help? I'm not sure what else you could do 'bout them.

Don't feel guilty about it anymore Leo. I want to know about your time away. What do you want to know about…I'm not sure where ta start.

And yeah you know how I feel about me being a good brother…I suck. Ask Don. Ask Mike. I was even more of a jerk while you were gone. I really hate myself sometimes.

Raph

P.S I thought of something that happened while you were gone. Mikey got his head stuck in a chair!


	8. Chapter 8

**These Words I Can Not Speak...**

_Raph,_

_You're not second best. No one but you thinks that. You're better then me at some stuff, you know that. And you're not a jerk or an ass…not all the time any way (joking). I mean you can be but that's not who you are deep down inside and that's what I'm trying to tell you. Everyone acts like a jerk at some point. I don't like that you think of yourself that way. _

_What am I meant to ask Donny and Mike? What happened? That's one thing I want to know…and anything else really. (I am intrigued about Mikey getting stuck in the chair though? How on earth did he manage that?)_

_...You know I just hate feeling like there's this big chunk of your lives that I don't know about. Even though it's my own damn fault. If anyone is a jerk Raph it's me. If anyone should hate themselves it's me! Maybe you shouldn't tell me, maybe I don't deserve to know. Even Mikey hasn't tried to fill me in (which kind of shocked me) maybe there trying to punish me, I don't know._

_Like I said I feel too guilty about just cutting contact and staying away so long, so I don't feel right in asking you guys a million questions. I don't think I'll stop feeling guilty about it Raph. But your forgiveness helps. And that's why I'm going to ask you. Just tell me everything okay, please? _

_No I didn't have a nightmare last night, that I know of. But I'm pretty sure I'd remember if I did. They get pretty horrific. It's not an every night thing. I guess talking about them would help. But at the same time I don't even want to speak them out loud (or write them down). Maybe if I have another. I'll see how I feel then. (Heh I write maybe, like I think they'll suddenly stop. I wish)._

_I feel down…it's not serious. It will go away. It will. I think feeling guilty isn't helping it. And sometimes I'm scared I don't fit with you guys anymore. Gah, I don't know how to explain it Raph. I just don't._

_Splinter is right to hold me more accountable Raph. That's part of being the leader. I'm not saying its fun. But it is what it is. And whether the trouble comes from something from a fight or training or your beating up criminals with Casey. I still feel you're my responsibility, all of you._

_I sometimes wonder if that's part of the reason I stayed away so long. At least then I was only responsible for me, like it took some of the pressure off. I didn't know whether to write that. I feel like the worse brother and son in the world even thinking it. What if something had happened to you guys while I was gone. I just pushed that away. Because I wanted to stay…free just a little bit longer. Then it turned into too long. I couldn't face any of you. I think that's why the nightmares plagued me so much. My subconscious running wild with repressed worry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll understand if you want to stop writing to me now. If you want to stop talking to me all together. _

_I'm so sorry..._

_Leo_

_P.S Please don't hate me..._


	9. Chapter 9

**These Words I Can Not Speak...**

It was late and Raph was just on his way to Leo's door with his next letter when he heard Leo cry out in his sleep. Leo was having another nightmare, by the sound of it. Raph debated what to do for a minute...should he wake his brother. He couldn't just leave him in there trapped in his own head. But at the same time, Raph was worried how weird things might be if he actually did go to his brother like they had spoken about in their letters. They had pretty mch been living life as if they weren't writing these letters on a nightly bases. But they definatley had a better understanding of each other. They showed it in little unspoken ways, Raph stopped hounding Leo about every little decision. Leo stopped harassing Raph about his every move. They hadn't had barely a cross word between them in over a week and this time it wasn't because they were scared, it was becasue they understood more about each other then they had in a long time.

Raph took a deep breath before continuing on his way. He had just written in the letter that he now clutched in his hand about how he was here for Leo no matter what, and he was going to prove it. Raph eased Leo's bedroom door open quietly. Leo was thrashing around in a tangled mess of blankets, tossing and turning, reaching out to someone only he could see.

"No, no, no!" He kept repeating over and over.

Raph feeling quiet unsure of himself shut the door softly behind him and moved to Leo's bedside, sitting down. He took hold of Leo's shoulder and he shook it gently "Leo, wake up, yer havin' a nightmare" he said in his best reasuring voice.

Raph had to gently shake Leo more then once before the leader opened his eyes with a frantic jolt. Leo shot up in bed, heart racing. It took him a few moments (as it usually did after a nightmare) to realise where he was. But this time he wasn't alone. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he made out the shape of one of his brothers. He knew at once it was Raph. Leo still caught up in his emotional state felt tears prick his eyes, knowing that his brother had come to be with him. Hot headed, tough guy Raph. Even after what he had told Raph in the last letter, Raph had still come. Leo was very grateful for the darkness, he was not going to cry like a baby. That wasn't who he was. Leo wasn't sure what was going on with him lately. He felt so bad all the time. He tried to hide it, but it was definitely coming out in his letters to Raph. Raph said he sounded almost depressed. And although Leo was never going to admit it, it was true. Writing and reading the letters each night was a sort of cathartic release for Leo. It made the ache in his chest that he carried always just a bit more bearable. Leo didn't speak as he stared at his brother in the dark. He just concentrated on getting his breathing and thoughts under control.

After a few more moments Raph broke the silence "You okay bro?"

Leo nodded, and feeling certain he no longer looked like he was about to cry he reached over to turn on his lamp, "yeah" he whispered.

"You wanna talk about it?" Raph asked, glancing nervously around his brothers room. Raph felt totally out of his comfort zone here.

Leo settled back down on his pillow, watching his brother. "No, not at the moment...thanks for waking me though".

Raph's eyes settled on Leo, a small smile played on his lips "Don't mention it." Raph notcie that Leo's breathing was settling down, that his brother seemed visably calmer then when he'd first woken up. 'So are ya okay now?" Raph asked.

"I'm ok" Leo nodded, shifting on his bed.

"Ok" Raph replied and went to stand up, intending on leaving the letter as he had come to do, now that Leo seemed ok; But Leo's hand on his writst stopped him. Raph stopped, confused.

Leo just looked at him, "stay?" he finally whispered.

The brothers just stared at each other for a few moments, before Raph maneuvered himself on Leo's bed so he was laying down beside his brother.

Leo felt relief wash through him. They both just lay there like that for a while. Niether saying anything. Or making a move to turn the light off. Just being there. Leo drinking in the comfort that he felt having Raph right there beside him, helping to wash away the last remains of the nightmare. He felt a little weird too...acting like such a baby, needing his brother to stay with him, but right at that moment Leo decided not to care about that.

Raph felt like he was finally doing something right for one of his brothers. Especially when he had been feeling increasingly worried abou Leo lately. How depressed sounding he was in the letters and all the nightmares.

After a few minutes of laying in silence Leo noticed the piece of paper Raph still had in his hand.

"What's that?" Leo asked Raph, nodding to the paper but not moving from his position on the bed.

Raph glanced down, suprised that he had forgotten that he still held Leo's next letter in his hand.

"Ah, um, your letter" Raph replied awkwardly, having never given one of them to Leo face to face.

Leo reached out his hand to take it from Raph. Raph pulled it away from Leo's reach. Leo looked at his brother, confusion clouding his eyes.

"I, we never do this face ta face Leo..." Raph began.

"Yeah I know" Leo replied, pushing himself up onto his elbow, looking down at Raph, "but..." Leo trailed off. Not wanting to admit how much he loved the letters, how much they were helping him and how much he wanted the new one to read right now. How happy he was that Raph had written back after what he had admitted in his last letter, that Raph had come to help him out at all after that.

Raph saw the longing in Leo's eyes. "It's weird readin' them when we in the same room...isn't it?"

"Maybe...yeah, it is but I won't say anything. I won't talk about it or anything okay, I promise" Leo replied, knowing Raph would feel embarrassed about it, but still really wanting to read the next letter.

Reluctantly Raph handed the letter over, and focused his eyes on the shut doorway. He was feeling quiet embarrassed having Leo read his letter while he was mere inches from him. Raph tried not to think about it but he kept stealing glances over at Leo, watching as a range of expressions crossed Leo's face as he read.

Leo unfolded the letter and began to read, feeling a little weird himself having Raph right there besied him. And fighting the urge to reply to Raph face to face about some of the things Raph had written.

_Hey Leo,_

_I am a jerk. Just ask them ok. I, yeah just ask them about that stuff...I'll tell ya anything else though. Don't hate yourself. Leo. Please. I'm sure Don and Mike aren't doing it on purpose. Maybe you should talk to them about that too...but I'm sure they're not. They're not like that, they don't hold on to grudges._

_Hopefully this will lift ya mood up a bit. Mikey and the chair was funny as shell. Me and Don go into the kitchen one day and here's Mike with his head caught inbetween the back slats of one of the kitchen chairs. Wrestling around trying to pull his head out. So freaking hilarious. Apparently he had been watching Funniest home videos and had seen a video of a little boy with his head caught in a chair, and genious that our little brother is, he was sure that if the kid had gotten his head into the gap he should have been able to just pull it back out, no problems. So Mikey goes and sticks his head inbetween the chair slats, and guess what, he's stuck too. Even though he hasn't got ears or anything. And instead of calling out for help he just stays there stuck for like half an hour, 'cos he knows we'll never let him live it down. It takes us another half an hour to get him out once we found him, we ended up unscrewing the chair after several failed attempts of pulling, pushing, oilling, Don decidng to cut the chair up with a saw and Mikey yelling 'call the fire department!' Like the boy in the video did. Although I should point out the boy was all of 5 and had his head stuck in like a small kids sized chair. And the dad in the video took the chair apart to get the kid out. Mike didn't think to tell us that part...until after and I guess me and Don took half an hour to think of it ourselves. Don was annoyed at himself for missing such a simple solution. But man it was funny._

_Ask Mike about that too. I wish we had filmed it._

Leo smiled as he read Raph's retelling of Mikey and the chair. _Mikey and the Chair, could be a book title_, Leo thought. Leo had to fight back the urge to really crack up because he had promised Raph he wouldn't say anything. And although he didn't think that part would embarrass Raph he just kept reading.

_And...on a heavier note_

_Leo I want you to know...I'm here for you ok. Whether you want to talk about the nightmares or not. Whenever ya want to talk or write or what ever you need I'm here. We're all here. You'll always fit. Always._

_You need to let the guilt go to man, ok. You need to forgive yourself. And next time I screw up (Cos no matter how hard I try I'm sure there will be a next time) I'm gonna make sure Splinter knows what's what ok. Maybe you are responsible for us...but your not the only one ok. _

_I understand what you mean, about feeling free while you were away. I know we (me) are a lot to deal with and this city and all it's problems don't help. I don't hate you for saying it. Really I don't. And it doesn't make you a bad brother or son! You carry alot on your shoulders Leo. It's ok to resent it sometimes. It's ok to act like a normal teenager. It's ok. And I will never hate you._

_Raph_

_P.S Let the guilt go...for me, please._

True to his word when Leo had finished reading Raph's letter he didn't say a word, he folded it neatly and placed it in his bedside draw with Raph's other letters. Leo then reached over and switched the lamp off. "Night Raph" Leo said as he found a comfortable postion, thinking to himself how lucky he was.

"Night Leo" Raph replied, as he did the same.

They both knew tomorrow that they would just go on like normal. As they had been every day; nobody knowing they're little secret.

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><p>AN: 'Mikey and the chair' was inspired by something a little boy I use to know did once. Most of the details are what happened. He wasn't watching funniest home videos though, he just did it...no one knows why lol. He was only 5 though so much younger then Mikey. But when it happened it did make me think it was something Mikey would do.<p>

Let me know what you think please!


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks to all my readers and an extra special thanks to those who have been reviewing!

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><p><strong>These Words I Can Not Speak...<strong>

_Hey Raph,_

_First you are NOT a jerk...I'm sure what ever happened isn't as bad as you think it is. Don and Mike don't seem mad at you at all. I haven't asked them anything yet. I'm too nervous. Yeah, I don't think they are doing it on purpose. It's like I never left in some ways...but then there are other moments when I feel so far away from the rest of you. It just sucks._

_Mikey and the chair, that's one of the funniest things I have ever heard of. I can just picture it too. Mikey and the chair. Sounds like a silly kids book title. That will teach him to try things he sees on T.V._

_...Thank you Raph. Thanks for last night and thanks for being here for me...I mean I know you really always were, but having you actually say (write) it, well it's nice. And thanks for understanding me Raph. I can't say it enough. Thank you._

_And okay...I will do my absolute best to let the guilt go Raph. For you. It's not going to be easy. I've gotten good carrying it around..._

_Leo_

_P.S I've been trying to think of something to tell about my time away...all I keep thinking about is the stars._


	11. Chapter 11

**These Words I Can Not Speak...**

_Hey bro,_

_There were some bad moments…half the time I'm surprised that Don still talks to me…_

_Don't be nervous, they're your bros. I'm sure if you explain how you feel they'll be happy to talk to ya. You know what they're both like. Don's probably too busy with his head stuck in some contraption or another and Mikey is most likely too caught up with his video games and comics to even notice that you're feeling weird. And I'm sure it ain't cos they don't care (I'm damn sure of it) but they both get these blinders on sometimes. I think they are just happy you're back. That's enough for them._

_Heh, heh. Maybe I will turn it into a book 'Mikey and the Chair'. Maybe I'll get rich._

_Don't mention it Leo…I always have and I always will be there for you (all of you) even if I don't always show it. Just like you are here for all of us._

_And I'm glad ta hear it. Guilt eats you alive. I should know. I think we both should let go._

_Raph_

_P.S Tell me 'bout the stars._


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: **Sorry for the long wait! Here you go two letters in one. I thought since these are short (the last ones have been as well) I might post two to a chapter. Any way here you go...

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><p><strong>These Words I Can Not Speak...<strong>

_Hey Raph,_

_Stars...well I guess the reason they are one of the first things that comes to mind is that they were so damn bright out there in the jungle. Where they weren't dulled by the bright lights of the city. And there were so many of them. I use to climb up right to the top of this huge old tree. I'd just sit there at the top and watch the stars for hours...I slept in the trees most nights. So I'd just fall asleep as I watched them...I miss that sometimes. I hated it when it was cloudy and I couldn't see them at night. They made me feel comforted...in some strange way. And when they weren't there I'd feel...kind of empty._

_I've decided I will talk to the others tomorrow...I think. I'm pretty sure I will._

_Leo_

_P.S I want half the profits from this book (It was my idea after all) lol._

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><p><em>Hey Leo,<em>

_They sound nice…maybe one day we can all drive out to the country somewhere. Maybe to the farmhouse. And look at the stars. _

_Good. I'm glad you have decided to talk to the others. Hopefully it will help you ta feel better too._

_I thought of something else…once while you were gone I didn't come home for two days and I don't think anyone even noticed. Not even Splinter. Well if he did he never mentioned it._

_Raph_

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><p><em>Let me know what you think please. I know these last couple of chapters have been slow story line wise. To me they kind of seem to be. But hopefully they'll pick up bit soon.<em>


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: **Hi another little chapter. This one isn't a letter, as you will see. I'd like to thank all my readers! For…well reading. Extra special thank you to those who reviewed. Reviews are one of my favorite things! Someone asked me last chapter whether the reason the chapters had been smaller and spaced apart was because of writers block…it's not writers block exactly. I do know where I want to go. But sometimes actually getting it onto the page in the right way isn't working. Also it's been busy here in RL. Anyway, here we go…

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><p><strong>These Words I Can Not Speak...<strong>

Leo fidgeted nervously by Mikey's closed door way. He had decided to talk to Don and Mikey today. And he was going to. He figured he'd start with his youngest brother. He didn't think Mikey was actually mad at him or anything. Mikey was rarely mad at anything, but things still seemed off between them. He was more nervous about talking with Donny. Not that Don got angry often either…but he just felt like Don had some buried resentment towards him...or something. Whatever it was, it was making things weird between himself and Don and himself and Mikey. And in some ways things were as normal as always, and in other ways things just didn't seem right.

Leo knocked gently on Mikey's door. For a second Leo thought Mikey hadn't heard him over the music blaring from within, but a second later the door opened to reveal a smiling Michelangelo.

"Leo!" Mikey exclaimed. "What's up bro?" Mikey smiled, immediately putting Leo more at ease.

Leo relaxed, Mikey was so easy going. He felt stupid for worrying that something was wrong between them. Maybe he was just being paranoid. But still he was going to see this through.

Mikey looked at Leo expectantly waiting for him to explain the visit.

"I ah, can I come in? I want to talk to you about something?" Leo asked.

Mikey looked at Leo curiously but nodded and moved out of the doorway, giving Leo room to slip in before shutting the door behind him. Leo maneuvered his way around Mikey's various belongings scattered on the floor and stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. He wasn't sure whether to sit…or even where to sit. Even though he was sure there was nothing to feel nervous about, now he was inside Mike's room he couldn't seem to stop the feeling.

Mikey watched Leo confused. If he didn't know better he would have sworn Leo was nervous. And he had no idea why. He moved to his stereo and flicked it off. "Ah, so what's up Leo? Everything ok?" Mikey asked crinkling his brow in confusion.

"Yeah, I just, well I wanted to ask you something…" Leo trailed off.

Mikey waited for Leo to continue and after a minute he wasn't sure that he would. "Um Leo, earth to Leo" Mikey said waving a hand in front of his older brothers eyes.

Leo blinked "sorry, I ah. Can I sit?"

"Sure" Mikey smiled uneasy. Leo was beginning make him feel nervous. What on earth was going on?

Leo took another few seconds to decide between Mikey's desk chair and the bed, before finally sinking down onto the unmade bed.

Mikey sat on his desk chair spinning around to face Leo. Leo still didn't seem like he was going to actually ask the question he'd came to ask.

"Okay Leo what the shell is up? You're acting like, I don't even know what. What's up? Something happen?"

Leo looked up at Mikey who was fidgeting in his seat. He was never one to sit still for long periods of time unless there was a good movie or video game to entertain him. Leo still had no idea what he was actually going to say to Mikey. Then he remembered Raph's story 'Mikey and the chair' and figured that could be a good way to start. "So I hear you and one of the kitchen chairs had a bit of an adventure while I was away?" Leo started, trying not to break into a fit of laughter, imagining Mikey stuck in the chair.

Mikey looked at Leo wide eyed for a moment before groaning "ok, who spilled?" Mikey said in mock anger, trying not to laugh himself. Even though he did feel incredibly stupid he still found the whole thing quite funny.

Leo just smiled not reveling who had spilled the beans.

"So…is that what you wanted to talk about?" Mikey asked, sure that was not what was making his eldest brother so uncomfortable. Though Mikey had noticed Leo seemed a bit more at ease after bringing up the 'chair incident'.

"Well no, I just realized, no one has been in a great hurry to tell me anything that happened around here while I was away. Except…" Leo paused, nearly giving Raph away about the chair story. "Except the chair story and it made me realize that, well that there is this great big chunk of your lives that I have no idea about. Which I hate and I started to wonder, if-if you were, well mad at me or something?" Leo asked, now worried he really didn't want to know.

"Mad? Why would I be mad?" Mikey asked.

"Because…well I don't know. Mad at me for being gone so long? Or not writing..."

"Oh" Mikey looked at the ground, thinking. "Well I'm not mad…anymore..."

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> Hmmm, am I mean leaving it here?


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: **Finally another chapter…so sorry for the long wait. Life is just so busy at the moment and yeah, my fanfics just weren't happening. So here for those of you that are still interested. The next chapter…

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><p><strong>These Words I Can Not Speak...<strong>

"Oh" Mikey looked at the ground, thinking. "Well I'm not mad…anymore..." he trailed off. Not wanting to bring all that stuff from the past up. It didn't make him feel good.

"Okay…" Leo trailed off too; his heart beginning to beat faster. Maybe this wasn't the best idea, maybe he should have left well enough alone, "So-so you were mad at me and you're not now?" Leo stuttered. "But, why? Why were you mad, and why aren't you now and if you're not mad now what made you stop being mad and why do things still feel weird between us sometimes, but not others…" Leo rambled, without taking a breath.

Mikey looked back up at Leo, his head was spinning from Leo's rambling of words. It was so unlike Leo to act like this, so nervous, unsure…scared. Leo never rambled. That was more his department. "Hey, hold up Leo, my heads hurting," Mikey half chuckled.

Leo stopped talking and waited for Mikey to elaborate. Instead Mikey spun his chair away from Leo to stare at the wall behind his desk.

After what seemed like an eternity to Leo Mikey spoke, "Leo…I don't really want to talk about it. Okay. I'm not mad at you anymore. It was just-just hard while you were gone and worse when you didn't come back when you were meant to…but its fine now. So just forget about it okay."

Leo felt like that ocean off guilt he'd been trying to push away was going to pull him back under, it took him several minutes to work out what to say to Mikey, "But _why _is it okay now?" Leo finally responded.

Mikey spun back towards Leo, "Because you came back," Mikey smiled, that was the truth, his brother came back and no matter what had happened or why Leo had stayed away, all that Mikey wanted to care about was that fact that his brother came back to them. "You know what, I'm starving, I'm gonna go gets me some food, you coming?" Mikey said changing the subject as he bounded towards his bedroom door, effectively ending their conversation.

Leo forced himself to smile at his brother "No thanks, not right now".

"More for me," Mikey said smiling back at Leo again before leaving the room.

Leo sat there for several minutes on Mikey's bed, thinking. He knew Mikey had just left to stop their conversation. That there was more going on with Mikey then he was letting on. He just obviously didn't want to talk about it, which only made Leo feel worse. He was really hoping that coming to Mikey's room today would make him feel better not worse. Mikey told Leo to forget about it. He smiled and joked and wanted Leo to come eat with him, but something in Mikey's voice when he was talking about him being away, and that something that came into Mikey's eyes every now and then, for what seemed like no particular reason, made Leo feel like there was a giant hole between them. And Leo really didn't know what to do to fix it.

Leo decided not to bring any of it up with Don after his talk with Mikey; he just didn't feel up to it. The day went on as normal. Day turned to night and Leo wrote Raph his next letter.

_Hey Raph,_

_Well I talked to Mikey today…he said everything was fine. That he was mad at me but he's not now. I asked him why. He said he was mad because things were hard when I was gone and worse when I didn't come back. I asked him why he wasn't still mad and he said because I came back. He says everything is ok but I can tell it's not. I can tell he is still upset about it all but, it's like he doesn't want to be and doesn't want me to know about it or something. I really don't know what to do. I guess I'll try to talk to him about it more later. I didn't even bother trying it with Don afterwards; I swear I feel worse than before now._

_Anyway yes I think driving somewhere so I can see the stars, where we can all see the stars clearly would be nice. _

_Also and maybe most importantly, why didn't you come home for two days and how did no one notice?_

_Leo_

Later that night long after Leo had delivered his latest letter to Raph and fallen asleep he was woken by an awful nightmare about Mikey and Don. It took him longer to calm down than it ever had. Leo lay in bed most of the night afterwards trying to work out what was going on with himself, why he kept having the horrible dreams. Eventually a thought did occur to him. He hadn't had a nightmare involving Raph since they had started their letter writing. But Mikey and Don still plagued him. Leo began to wonder if it was because he and Raph had been working through their issues…and that Raph had made him feel like he really had forgiven him. He wondered if his subconscious was still tapping into his guilt and worry when it came to his other two brothers, because he really hadn't resolved anything when it came to them. Talking to Mikey today hadn't really helped Leo. It made him feel worse. Mikey's lips said it was fine, but his eyes didn't.

Leo made a decision, getting up out of bed and sitting down at his desk, he took out a piece of paper. He wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do or how Mikey would react to it but he had to do something…and it had worked with Raph.

_Hey Mikey, _Leo wrote…

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><p>So there you go. It's probably not my best work I am soooo tired right now. Hopefully I will have the next chapter up pretty soon. But I can't promise it. I don't have much free time at the moment and probably won't until the end of November. Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think.<p> 


	15. Chapter 15

I am terrible! I left this waaay too long without updating I'm sorry! But for those of you that are still interested here's the next chapter…

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><p><em>Hey Mikey,<em>

_Okay this might seem really weird and stupid to you. But just read ok. I just want you to know…that I'm sorry I was gone so long. I'm sorry things were hard. And that I hope one day you will tell me what's bugging you (or what was bugging you). I know you don't owe me anything…not after what I did. But I just need to know. Sometimes I feel really out of place with you guys. Because I missed a huge chunk of your lives (My fault I know). Because even though you say it's fine now because I'm back…there are still times when it seems as though it's not. Like sometimes there is a glass wall between us. I can see you but there's a barrier…things aren't the same…and I hate that._

_Anyway you don't have to write back or talk to me about this again if you don't want to. But just know that I'm sorry. I never meant to cause any of you pain._

_Leo_

When Mikey woke up the next morning he was confused to find a folded piece of paper inside his bedroom door. He was even more surprised to find that it was a letter from Leo. He'd tried to shake the conversation that he and Leo had yesterday off. He'd wished Leo hadn't brought it up. He had worked hard to push any anger, any negative feelings down and just be happy that Leo was back. He was safe and he was back. And that made Mikey very happy and very relieved. He'd run from the conversation because he was afraid if he talked about it he wouldn't be able to keep his hurt away.

Mikey read Leo's letter three times before he was forced to stop, tears blurring his vision.


	16. Chapter 16

OMG another chapter already lol. I'm just back in the zone with this one for the moment. Hope you like it.

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><p>Mikey wasn't going to write back at first. He didn't want to bring up those feelings that he'd worked so hard to push away. But after receiving the letter he spent that day being a bit more observant about Leo. He looked so tired no more than tired…sad. <em>How have I not noticed this before? <em>He thought. Mikey realised that subconsciously he may have been pulling away from Leo a bit. He didn't follow him into the dojo like he used to before. He didn't prank him or joke with him or bug him to play video games. He didn't mean it. He didn't think he did anyway. _Is that the wall Leo means? _He thought.

By night fall Mikey had decided he would reply Leo; and that he would try to explain a little bit. He didn't like to see Leo hurting and today he'd finally realised that Leo had been. So if talking about this stuff was what Leo wanted Mikey would try.

_Dear Leo,_

_ I don't want you to feel that way. Like there is a wall between us…is there something I'm doing that makes you feel like that. Because I'm not meaning for it to happen. _

_I…the reason I don't want to talk about you being away and any feelings that come along with that is because…well I just don't wanna feel them. It's over now…I can tell that it must be bothering you a lot though._

_So…_

_Okay I did feel angry. Not that you went but because you didn't come back. And you stopped writing. For all we knew you were dead. You just left us. And things were hard. Splinter wouldn't barley come out of his room and Raph was just so angry (not Raph angry worse) and he slept all day and was out all night (and we didn't know why then) and he was barking at Donny all the time. Donny and I had to work…I mainly did it just to get out of here for a while. Everything felt wrong and sad. I missed you and I was so worried. I was so angry that you did this and…then I'd feel bad because maybe something had happened and I was here mad at you. Splinter said he'd know if you were hurt or worse…so that just hurt more it meant this was a choice you made._

_But when I woke up that night and you were here. I didn't care anymore. You were ok. You came back to us. _

_I decided to write back because you seem so desperate to know this…I just hope I haven't made you feel worse. I guess I feel a little better getting that off my chest. I'm really not angry anymore, I'm sure you had your reasons._

_Mikey_


	17. Chapter 17

Hi everyone...I am SO SORRY! I am a bad, bad author. I struggle so much sometimes. I don't know if I have mentioned it before but like many others in this day and age, I suffer badly with depression and anxiety and sometimes I can't mange to do anything. I don't think I have said it before, I usually write that I am busy but it's really my anxiety and/or depression stopping me writing. Anyway... for anyone who is still out there, Chapter 17! It may be helpful to go back and read the last few chapters if you are a reader from last year. Just so you remember where we left off.

First letter Leo to Mikey

Second letter Raph to Leo

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><p><strong>These Words I Can Not Speak<strong>

**...**

_Dear Mikey,_

_Thanks for writing back..._

_I don't know why I am feeling the way I do. I guess you don't seem to want to be around me much anymore (not as much as you use to). Maybe I'm projecting my own guilt onto you, seeing things that aren't even there..._

_I am SO SORRY Mike, really. I didn't mean to scare or worry you; any of you. I just felt like a failure. I felt like I wasn't good for our team. I felt like I only wanted to be reponsible for myself for a little longer...I left it so long to contact you guys, I just didn't know how to reach out. I was a selfish jerk. Not the best reasons for my actions. I hope they haven't made you angry and hurt again?_

_I'm sorry I left you all here to deal with all of that Mikey._

_When you hugged me the night I came back...I realized how much I missed you and how stupid I had been._

_Leo_

_P.S Thanks for writing back Mikey. I do feel a bit better now. I know things might not ever be the same as before I left. And that's my fault. But I'm glad you told me how you felt._

**_... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..._**

_Hey Leo,_

_I think the reason no one noticed I was gone was a combination of a few things. Splinter was really distracted, trying to focus his energies on you I think (I'm not telling you that to make you feel guilty either, you're banned from that, remember). Donny was working non stop with the call centre and Mikey had been doing party, after party and was completely zonked out in front of the TV, or asleep the rest of the time. I was being an ass all the time and sleeping through the day; so I don't think it was that noticable when I wasn't around..._

_I just stayed out all night and with Casey through the day. April was away. We were having a boys weekend of sort. Wasn't planned. Just happened. When I got home and realized no one had even noticed. It just made me more angry. Felt like I didn't even exist...I realize now a lot of it was my own fault. But it...it really hurt at the time._

_Raph_

_P.S Do you want me to talk ta Mike? I'm sorry he made you feel worse._

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><p>Thanks for reading! I really hope I do still have some readers left. Especially since I need your help. I've never wanted to admit it before (not sure why) but I think I was having writers block (along with the above mentioned anxiety) so I felt completely stuck on where to go. So in the hope of not leaving it this long between chapters again...IDEAS! Please.<p>

Do you want more letters between Mikey and Leo? I'm not sure if I like that I did that now. It's one of the reasons I got stuck.

Do you just want it focused on Leo and Raph?

Or do you want Don to have a few letters too?

What would you maybe like to see happen?

I would really like to do some longer chapters but...I need something to actually fill them with.

Thanks everyone!


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